Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i think i have herpe
just one?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
