I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
