Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
