I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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