I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
My feet surprised me
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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