Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
