I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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