the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
