I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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