i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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