my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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