I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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