I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
