I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
