So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
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