are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
