you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
