you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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