apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
