i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
