Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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