She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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