I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
