So drunk its hurt
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
