Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
You are a genius and a whore.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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