did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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