I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
