i think i have two assholes
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
