In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
