I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
