OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
