I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
