so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
