o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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