I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
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