he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I'm having to shit out rocks
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