I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
