My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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