batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
