Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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