My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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