my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
