If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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