i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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