omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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