Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Damn victory sex feels great
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
