Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Randomize
