have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
