My liver just broke up with me...
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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