i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Randomize
