yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
